Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Broken but hopeful



Life can be really hard.

I'm writing this during my lunch break; a break I haven't taken in some weeks so as not to drown in to dos. My apartment's a mess. My clothes scattered around, as though about in a fury. My refrigerator is empty. My cabinets sparse.

A month ago it wasn't like this. I had a full fridge and even hosted my first dinner party. I had a hand to hold regularly and looked forward to the weekends.

But life just happens. And things get heavy, fast. No matter how much you think you have everything under control the truth is that sometimes you have no control. Being OK with that fact is half the battle, I suppose.

So here I am, surrendering to what is. Accepting what may be. Holding on tight to what I know to be true.

In the meantime, I recommend this piece from "Ask Polly." Because it chewed me up and spit me out and put me back together all in the course of 5 minutes. Now I reference certain lines as reminders. As hope. As a grace to get me through.

Until my fridge is full again. Until my laundry is done. Until my to-do list is finally completed.

I have two daughters, and this, for some reason, is my biggest fear when it comes to them, that they’ll waste their lives chasing men in circles instead of recognizing how much sunshine and genius and expansive, outrageous possibility they carry around with them everywhere they go. But this anxiety of mine isn’t just about young women and their tendency to ignore their own value and worth and potential. It’s also about 30-something men and 40-somethings and 50-somethings and everyone under the goddamned sun. We are all so completely poleaxed by our own longing, by our own magical thinking, by our own physical resistance to hard work. We put our faith in prefabricated fantasies instead of reality; we believe in easy answers and short cuts instead of craft; we admire popularity instead of originality; we find ourselves reaching for shiny dreamworlds and ignoring human beings. The world tells us that we should be disappointed in ourselves, every single day. The best party is across town. The best party is across the universe. We should be fucking a ghost that looks like Chris Hemsworth, gently, in some galaxy far away. 
Let’s just be ourselves instead, broken but hopeful, and let’s be right here, right now. Let’s look around and see the scrappy, mediocre, mundane details of our lives and proclaim them exalted and glorious. Imagine for a moment that I can see you clearly for the first time. I can see you clearly, and you are radiating pure, lusty, brilliant grace and divinity. Feel it. Believe it. Carry it with you.

xx


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Friday, May 27, 2016

👯Come on ladies, now let's get information — Part I.👯

I've written a lot about my own personal struggles with anxiety and OCD. But I've never written about how my monthly cycle is affected by the two, and vice versa. In an effort to learn more about my own health, I've been learning more and more about women's health. It's a topic that is wildly overlooked and under-taught, even though it effects all women, all the time. 


I figured it wouldn't hurt to share some of my discoveries, especially after hearing so many of my friends express their own frustration with not understanding why the hell we feel the way we do every month — or in general, for that matter. 

Without further adieu, the first instalment of my Beyonce-inspired feature: 

👯Come on ladies, now lets get information👯

Kicking things off: A wonderful Ted talk from Marwa Azab,who holds to advanced degrees in Psychology and a PhD in Neuroscience. Here, she discusses female hormones and how they effect us as women.





Brain chemicals covertly direct female hormones, but their effects on behaviors, emotions, cognitive abilities and relationships can make us vulnerable. The more we become aware and understand these vulnerabilities, the more we can transform them to actually empower us.


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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

No. 5

Only three years later... ;)

Dating is a minefield of opinions, philosophies, and personalities... and that's just when it comes to what people are saying, not the actual dating itself. As someone with terrible anxiety and OCD, there are a million things that make dating emotionally exhausting just from my side. Add in the other party and the heaps of advice thrown my way on the regular, it's enough to make me want to retreat to my Netflix nest forever, never to leave again. This piece by, Maris Kreizman (the same author of Slaughterhouse 90210), was an interesting take on changing yourself for love and whether or not it's all really just a matter of luck. 
And one of the most dismal parts of experiencing this kind of longing is that I was the victim of a certain brand of single lady concern trolling disguised as friendly advice. Everyone had words of wisdom (often unsolicited!) about how I should fix myself, as singled was an ailment for which I could find a cure if only I tried hard enough and took the appropriate steps to get healthy. 
I've been realizing more and more the importance of having a strong tribe of women with whom you feel you belong. I don't know why exactly it took me so long to recognize the strength that comes with such support  in life, but I'm glad that I finally have. It's incredible to me that so many of those friends with whom I connect the most have been friends I've made through this blog. Some of whom I've yet to meet in person. But among those I call my closest friends nonetheless. That's why I especially loved this piece from Femsplain. 
What do you do when you feel like you've lost yourself? Be with the person who can put you back together again, who knows what's broken but not how to fix it. Who reminds you that things are not always perfect, but they are not meant to be. 
On the topic of anxiety, this piece from Artparasites really spoke to me. 
Most of all, please don't give up on me. Even though I even drive myself insane and get frustrated with myself sometimes, I hope you don't. I hope you can still love me more each day and not resent me for a mental disorder I never wanted.
Jealousy rears its ugly head more often then not these days for me. Maybe it's social media envy. Maybe it comes with your twenties. Whatever it is, I don't like who it makes me. And I don't like how quickly it can eat away at my heart. But it's there. And when something is there pulling at you from all directions, it's best to try and understand the cause before you can understand the cure. That's where this brilliant TED talk comes in. It made me feel less alone. Less guilty. But hopeful.
When we feel jealous, we tell ourselves a story. We tell ourselves a story about other peoples' lives, and these stories make us feel terrible because they're designed to make us feel terrible. As the teller of the tale and the audience, we know just what details to include, to dig that knife in. Jealousy makes us all amateur novelists.
And lastly, from Madame Clairvoyant herself, a horoscope that is relevant always, to everyone. 
Sometimes it can be easy to feel that you're less than you are, rather than accept the huge challenge of living your fullest, truest life. Sometimes it can be easier not to want anything at all, rather than accept the deep ache of desire in your bones. It can be easier to deny your real self, demanding and golden and made of so many things. Try, this week, just to sit with the knowledge of who you really are and what you really need. Don't tell yourself, not even once, to accept anything less than this.

xo- 

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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

2016 hopes, etc. etc.


Since the start of this fine year, I have been forcing myself to do that which must be done. 

For example.
  • Should a letter need to be mailed, I get up and I do it the day of. No waiting till the mailbox is "on my way" to somewhere else, no putting it off for days at a time like I normally would do. 
  • Should I need to call about my internet bill I do it as soon as possible. No putting it off for a few weeks until it's absolute dire that I do so.
  • I made all important doctor's appointments that I've been meaning to schedule for ages.
  • I put my clothes away as soon as they're done drying instead of letting them set on my couch for ages. 
  • Doing small tasks in the moment to save a lot of time in the end.

These may seem like really rudimentary practices which an adult should be employing on the reg., but for me it's been a real feat. 

This brings me to my next point. 

What is normal or common for most doesn't mean it's common or normal for others. 

I usually struggle calling about appointments, especially when it's in German. Phone calls trigger my anxiety to the max.; mix in the fact the conversation is in German and bam! you've got the perfect storm of insecurity. 

So those phone calls to challenge a bill or set up a doctor's appoint are a big deal for me, and that's ok. 

Next on my list of things to conquer (or try to conquer) in 2016 includes not comparing myself to others. Because if there's anything that will eat you alive, it's comparison.

Instead I'll keep my head down, focus on my own achievements, no matter the size.

And i'll try to leave my Netflix nest more on the weekend. 

But aside from that, I think 2016 is ours for the taking, folks. Deal?

Deal.

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Monday, January 4, 2016

Quote of 2016.

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how you love. There is courage in that. — Bianca Sparacino How To Ruin Your Life (Without Even Noticing That You Are)
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